Gorka Ordered to Wear a Hat on Future Podiums

In his youth in the Basque countryside, Gorka was typically shorn twice annually with sheep shears in lieu of a proper haircut. These days, reveling in the extravagances of America, he’s free to enjoy grooming techniques that in his earlier years seemed out of reach. These days, he walks proudly into the barbershop and in his lilting voice says “give me a haircut similar to a 1970s porn star. Or a haircut like a guy who passed out in a park and was molested by rodents. I don’t know. You get the idea. And by the way, I don’t want to spend a lot”.

After Gorka’s recent Stoopid 50 podium a request was officially submitted by his teammates to Juggernaut HQ that he either wear his team hat on future podiums or that he sit up 50 meters from the finish and wait until he drops to 6th place.

When asked about the race and the controversy surrounding his grooming during a post-race interview he was quoted as saying “if I could grow a little dirt lip mustache I’d do it. Something comprised of like 30 hairs or less. Something for the ladies”.