Fang's White Whale and the Gunnison Growler 2018 Report
There were two key takeaways from the Juggernaut 2018 Gunnison Growler expedition: First is that the Growler is pretty freaking great. We all dug it and we were a force to be reckoned with. We rose up from sea level like Mothra or Gamera at the beginning of Godzilla v Mothra or Godzilla v Gamera (respectively) and travelled to the thin air of Colorado to rub a bit of juggernaut on the course. Second takeaway was that Fang hates fake candles. You think you know a guy then - bam! - new information. Furthermore it is a known fact that a whale blowhole is the same size as a dolphin blowhole and a fake candle can be used in a pinch to plug said blowhole(s).
Other than that, we came back with a badly stained Pookie. No mechanicals, no crashes, just a big old stain smeared right across Pook.
Special bonus! Juggernaut team members can gain access to meeting notes from the secret meeting of the Order of Juggernaut Brethren held May 2018 in Crested Butte by following these easy steps:
1. Type "kadonkadonk" into the web browser of your phone.
2. Wait five minutes.
3. Scroll to the bottom of this page.
SECRET MEETING NOTES:
Different venue tonight. We normally go to brew pub DC joints - not tonight - we’re in Crested Butte.
The core group has expanded to the racers - WHICH IS - what the ESF do. Race bikes.
New meeting attendees: El G and Utah Jason who needs a callsign.
Dyno is blossoming. And we are in his presence.
Ordering food first - good idea. Cuz the alternative is a bunch of skinny drunk wrestlers. Which is ugly.
A couple roles have been established. I’m still the Grand Gentleman. Still slow but a participant. One of our Juggs is about to be another can’t be named. Kinger is the youngest present which means he’ll read me a really uncomfortable poem. While he remains the most handsome man in MTB’g the poetry part is frankly undesirable. The perils of leadership.
Oh yeah... 8 (EIGHT)!!! Juggernauts on course today. F**K YEAH! Gunnison Growler was the race. Great race - logistically difficult. But great.
Boring (to others) discussion about how much we ate and drank on course. We could talk about this for hours. Amounts of food and drink are a thing of bragging rights that get talked about repeatedly. Misfits. Not fit for polite, or even mildly interesting, society.
The 8-Juggernaut paceline into town from the race course was IM-PRESS-IVE. Just sayin’. Can’t believe in the digital age we didn’t get that on film. Word of mouth may be better.
Napoleon Dynamite (White? Dynamite? ... any relation...?) references on how much air someone caught yesterday. Somehow we transitioned from “air” to Gorka being equated to a pregnant sea horse. Princess Bride references. Guaranteed to have multiple Big L refs. (Validated within 5 minutes of this writing.)
This is verbal foreplay before the actual meeting. Gorka adhering to the rules. I think it will be important to read the rules.
Oh man - the viceroy is starting to “tease” some of the offenses. In absentia offenses, expulsions, etc. Heavy. I sense Robert Mueller in the room at the moment.
Gorka just threw down. DAMN! Calling out El G on time in grade.
The meeting is about to be called to order. Hilarious - nobody can read without glasses. Old fuckers.
F’g El G cannot help himself. There’s a time and place for all speaking. Pook too. We need some decorum, in general.
In session!
Honoring those not present. Lots.
Rules read. They were so much better than Bad-P.
The reading of the poem is terrible. Is it done yet? Please. What is this? Who found this shit? There should be a charge or a rule - crime against humanity.
General biz:
Things we should buy - new cycling caps - yes; t-shirt manufacturer that archives and allows black market purchases - yes; wrap for sprinter van - sure; new belt buckles - yes; medallions - tabled and penalized - no; (oddly there has been a charge of switching swag options); flip flops - no. Flasks - yes.
Races: Grizzly 2018 - yes; Downieville in 2019 - tabled; Jonny one thumb’s 40th - BC Bike Race - sure; Iron Mountain - okay.
New rules: Summer time night ride drinking rules - outdoor venue for beers - yes.
Open comments/issues? Callsign review: Jebediah Moonbeam (J-moon) or Black Mamba - might have to hold off for now.
Passing of the ghost beer to the new Master and Commander: Pookie. CONGRATS!!!
While we wait for the warm beer - we shared the meaning of ESF with new member Jason. Finished. Well done. Couldn’t be found I a well-climatized cellar. Just warm beer.
Kinger just took a whiz without requesting permission - punishment(?). Code Red.
Closed the meeting with a live rendition of “There Goes the ESF”
Out.
